Bill Cosby understands what raising children is like. In his stand up routine "Bill Cosby: Himself" Mr. Cosby shares with the audience the joy of childbirth and the adventures of raising children. Too many times, as Mr. Cosby describes in the clip above, I have heard stories about parents taking the time to carry a diaper full of poop to show to their spouse, coddling the excrement like a precious treasure that has just been excavated from ancient ruins. The conversation goes something like this:
"Look how cute our little baby is."
"Oh my goodness those are the cutest little poopies I have ever seen!!"
"Oh look, that one looks like a little Play-Doh dog!!" (Play-Doh was not consulted before this post, thus this is not an official advertisement for Play-Doh.)
You can understand my confusion, can't you? You do understand that this is poop, right? The thing you are carrying around, showing to your friends and family just came out of a butt. This is not like the first person who discovered an egg, not knowing then what it was. Nay, since the beginning of time we have understood, poop is not something to be cherished.
When your dog takes a dump on the sofa, you don't pick it up with a silk napkin and go to show your neighbors. Likewise, when nature calls you up at work, rarely should you ever call a co-worker to come join you in the stall and look at what you did...rarely. And never should poop be displayed as if you were a museum docent explaining a Van Gogh painting.
So, what makes parents decide that poop is so precious? Is there a chemical imbalance that happens upon childbirth that causes parents to to enter into some type of bizzaro like universe where poop is actually a prized commodity and is possibly used for universal currency? (Actually, that's not a bad idea). Is there some secret society somewhere run only by parents where the stuff is traded on the black market? I just don't understand.
However in this journey of poo, I have also learned that the "cute poop phase" only lasts a short time, as Mr. Cosby has so beautifully put it.
I don't do well around "Number 2." Never have. I know that, in the words of the great TV comedy Scrubs, "Everything comes down to poo," but quite honestly I would rather steer clear of the stuff. Let's be honest here, the diaper commercials don't do anything for my argument. I'll admit that those little babies crawling around in all their mostly naked freedom do make for really cute TV, but I have see the other side.
I remember one occasion when I was younger, a family friend brought over their children. The smallest one was still in diapers at the time and was a really cute kid. That was until he "overloaded his system" and it leaked out of the edge of the diaper. On another, more recent occasion, Sarah and I politely offered to take care of one our close friends' newborn baby while his mother went off to run a few errands around town. There was one little fact that our friend forgot to mention: The little guy hadn't dropped a load in about 3 days. It just so happened that our little man decided to wait till Momma left to give Uncle Pete and Aunt Sarah all of his "savings." (Thanks Baby Dawson! I hope you read this one day in 2040 and have a good laugh.)
What I witnessed on that day I dare not talk about in detail. Like a war veteran returning home from battle, the sights, sounds, and smells of war still haunt me to this day.
This is stuff that the Huggies commercials omit. They don't show the poo stained couch when the cute little baby rolls off the towel, they remove the videos of the little floaters in the tub during bath time, they don't show the parents puking in the trash can next to the changing table because of the sulfur like toxins that have just been released into the air.
Now don't mishear me. I will always be eternally grateful for those brave souls who wiped my hind parts, but all in all, it is the terrible and unnatural things that deter us from our pursuit of children. From the cute play doh shapes, to the rancid explosions, poop sits high atop our list and there it will remain.
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