#4 - Mental Breakdown? No thank you!

A friend of mine recently told me about her daughter-in-law that literally had a mental breakdown after the birth of their first child. The story (short version) goes like this: a happy little couple has their precious first child - a miracle of miracles. For weeks, the happy couple basked in the sunlight of their precious child: sharing diaper duties, trading sleep time, and overall doing an excellent job of sharing the responsibilities of new parents. But alas, most good things come to an end, and suddenly mommy got a rude awakening: daddy had to go back to work. No longer was mommy allowed to take a nap during the early afternoon hours. No longer did mommy have a helper at her right hand, ready to toss her a fresh diaper or bottle at her command. No longer was it two against one in the marathon of diaper usage.

#3-"Money, Money, Money, Money!"

I know you've heard people say "Money is no object." Are you kidding me? Money is always the object. Whether it be a business deal or a dream getaway, money is what makes the world go 'round. I don't like this principle. Sarah and I hate money. Call us "Commies" if you want, but I think they world would function much better if there wasn't currency, but I am naive. Nevertheless, I understand the need and want for money, and have that same desire myself.

When we got married a little over two years ago, there were many people out there who told us we were too young, too immature, too poor. The latter of the three always seemed to find a way into the conversation.

"Are you sure you have enough money?"

"Have you started thinking about investing in a Roth IRA?"

"What's your favorite flavor of Cup-o-Noodles?"

But the wisest words I have heard concerning money came from my father "You will never have enough." He is completely right. If you wait to get married, to have kids, to whatever until you have money you will be waiting all your life.

I'm sure there is nothing like holding that first little bundle of joy, spending several, expensive nights in the hospital waiting for doctors to let you take the little guy home. But from how I understand it all, you might well just throw a duffle bag of hundred dollar bills into the trash compacter, because that is what is about to happen to you.

Take a look at this wonderful piece of information:

"Lynne Ticknor Bankrate.com --According to a recent study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, it costs a middle-income family $250,000 to raise a child from birth to age 17. And that doesn't include the cost of a college education. In the first year alone, the costs of a baby can reach between $9,000 and $11,000, and most new and expectant parents don't realize the size of the financial burden they are taking on. "Most people are more focused on the schedule disruptions and the exhaustion they will be facing," says Brette McWhorter Sember, a retired lawyer and author of "Your Practical Pregnancy Planner: Everything You Need to Know About the Financial and Legal Aspects of Preparing for Your New Baby" (McGraw-Hill, 2005). "

Come again?! Did you say $11,000 in the first year?! That's like you own a business and have hired on your new baby as a part time worker. And to make it worse this part time worker just sits around all day, takes a long lunch break, naps during working hours, speaks a foreign language, and cries when it gets mad. This is not the type of worker you hire.

Now, please don't call the Child Labor Board. I am being facetious, but let's get real.

Diapers.

Clothes.

Passies.

Diapers.

Blankies.

Bottles.

Fake milk.

Diapers.

Car seat.

Another car seat, in case the first one doesn't work.

Toys.

Diapers.

Have you even left the hospital yet?

I think you get my point. These little bundles of joy are expensive.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. People know kids are expensive. So for all of you out there who have/are having kids let me give you a few money saving tips for the first few years of your child's life.

1) Don't spend money on shoes

Come on people. Buying your baby a pair of replica Jordan Airs is not practical. Sure the little penny loafers may look really cute, but here's a little fact for you: BABY'S CAN'T WALK.

2) Why buy clothes when you can just get the kid a pancho?

Our neighbors to the south had the right idea with the pancho. Unisex attire, hard to out grow. If baby panchos make an appearance I wan't a cut.

3) Educational DVD's?

You can't go to Wal-Mart without seeing this entire aisle of educational DVD's. I know there has been studies done about children being educationally stimulated by music and images, but buying your child "Baby Einstein: An Introduction to Quantum Physics" is a little over the line.

4) Special Occasion Attire

I have been to Burlington Coat Factory a number of times. What is up with all these little outfits for special occasions. There is only one time a year that a parent should be allowed to dress up a child. Dressing up your child as little bunnies, Christmas elves, sailors, or princesses on any other day besides Halloween is unacceptable. The only exception to this rule is if you child requires that he/she wear a superhero outfit. I simply want to save money, not crush dreams.

5) Strollers

How much money can people spend on strollers? Some of these strollers are more expensive than my car! In the words of Dwight Shrute "$1200 is what I spent on my entire bomb shelter, this baby better be indestructible.:

So there you have it. This is no surprise to anyone, but before you think of having a child, think "I could have a Golden Retriever instead."

#2-Number 2

Bill Cosby understands what raising children is like. In his stand up routine "Bill Cosby: Himself" Mr. Cosby shares with the audience the joy of childbirth and the adventures of raising children. Too many times, as Mr. Cosby describes in the clip above, I have heard stories about parents taking the time to carry a diaper full of poop to show to their spouse, coddling the excrement like a precious treasure that has just been excavated from ancient ruins. The conversation goes something like this:

"Look how cute our little baby is."

"Oh my goodness those are the cutest little poopies I have ever seen!!"

"Oh look, that one looks like a little Play-Doh dog!!" (Play-Doh was not consulted before this post, thus this is not an official advertisement for Play-Doh.)

You can understand my confusion, can't you? You do understand that this is poop, right? The thing you are carrying around, showing to your friends and family just came out of a butt. This is not like the first person who discovered an egg, not knowing then what it was. Nay, since the beginning of time we have understood, poop is not something to be cherished.

When your dog takes a dump on the sofa, you don't pick it up with a silk napkin and go to show your neighbors. Likewise, when nature calls you up at work, rarely should you ever call a co-worker to come join you in the stall and look at what you did...rarely. And never should poop be displayed as if you were a museum docent explaining a Van Gogh painting.

So, what makes parents decide that poop is so precious? Is there a chemical imbalance that happens upon childbirth that causes parents to to enter into some type of bizzaro like universe where poop is actually a prized commodity and is possibly used for universal currency? (Actually, that's not a bad idea). Is there some secret society somewhere run only by parents where the stuff is traded on the black market? I just don't understand.

However in this journey of poo, I have also learned that the "cute poop phase" only lasts a short time, as Mr. Cosby has so beautifully put it.

I don't do well around "Number 2." Never have. I know that, in the words of the great TV comedy Scrubs, "Everything comes down to poo," but quite honestly I would rather steer clear of the stuff. Let's be honest here, the diaper commercials don't do anything for my argument. I'll admit that those little babies crawling around in all their mostly naked freedom do make for really cute TV, but I have see the other side.

I remember one occasion when I was younger, a family friend brought over their children. The smallest one was still in diapers at the time and was a really cute kid. That was until he "overloaded his system" and it leaked out of the edge of the diaper. On another, more recent occasion, Sarah and I politely offered to take care of one our close friends' newborn baby while his mother went off to run a few errands around town. There was one little fact that our friend forgot to mention: The little guy hadn't dropped a load in about 3 days. It just so happened that our little man decided to wait till Momma left to give Uncle Pete and Aunt Sarah all of his "savings." (Thanks Baby Dawson! I hope you read this one day in 2040 and have a good laugh.)

What I witnessed on that day I dare not talk about in detail. Like a war veteran returning home from battle, the sights, sounds, and smells of war still haunt me to this day.

This is stuff that the Huggies commercials omit. They don't show the poo stained couch when the cute little baby rolls off the towel, they remove the videos of the little floaters in the tub during bath time, they don't show the parents puking in the trash can next to the changing table because of the sulfur like toxins that have just been released into the air.

Now don't mishear me. I will always be eternally grateful for those brave souls who wiped my hind parts, but all in all, it is the terrible and unnatural things that deter us from our pursuit of children. From the cute play doh shapes, to the rancid explosions, poop sits high atop our list and there it will remain.

#1 - 9 Hours, At Least.

Let me start off by saying that I did not become an old woman over night. I have, however, been a hermit since I started college in 2006. For those of you who didn't know Preston in college, (or from what I've heard, since he was in 8th grade...) Preston likes to sleep. A lot. There were nights during our early dating season that it was not uncommon for a date to be cut short (and I'm talking, 8 p.m.) because Preston needed to go to bed. Seriously? Seriously. Me, on the other hand, spent the hours between noon and 6:30 (I had a night class at 7, so I had to make time for dinner) taking naps all through college. I strategically planned my schedule so I could have at least 4 hours of optimal napping time during my day. I couldn't function without it. And thus these naps kept me up until at least 1 (maybe even 2) a.m. each night. Which made dating Preston particularly hard seeing as one of us was sleeping at almost every hour of the day. However, with marriage came compromise (and a full time job that doesn't allow me time for naps) and we settled on getting our full 9 hours of sleep at night, rather than the middle of the day.

Needless to say, Preston & I cannot function without at least 9 hours of sleep. At least. 10 is better, 12 is great, but we settle for 9 because we have to make time for at least an hour of 'The Office' before bedtime. Most of our family finds this humorous. "Sarah, isn't it time for your nap?" "Preston, it's past 9 o'clock, why are you still up?!" We have missed appointments, ditched our families, and opted out of shopping on a beautiful Saturday afternoon on numerous occasions because we are too tired to function. But Preston & I have decided that we ridiculed, pestered, and demeaned all because of one thing: we get sleep, and they do not.

And why do we get sleep and they do not? 3 words: screaming little monsters. We have come to the conclusion that the #1 spot on our list must go to our most prized possession because so few people in this world are privileged enough to get it. I have seen 2 a.m., and it isn't as pretty as people make it out to be. And I'm sure it's not any prettier while you are changing a diaper, listening to your child scream, or washing bottles because all of yours are dirty. And so, Preston and I have decided that our selfishness and deep need for at least 9 hours of sleep is far too overbearing to compromise, especially when the average number of hours slept by a new parent (or an experienced one of 18 years) is -2.

So for now, Preston and I will go on loving and living our life, 9 hours of sleep and all.

The List-An Introduction

There are certain things that come along with being married. New jobs, new locations, family, in-laws, and probably some other things that I've tried to forget, but probably the most notable of these things is the expectation of children.

As of the date of this entry, my wife and I have been married for almost 2 1/2 years. I cannot tell you the number of times my wife and I have been approached about the "life giving miracle" of child rearing. We had decided on very early on in our marriage that children were not anywhere in our near future, but try to explain that to parents and grandparents who are dying to get their hands on a grandchild.

In my wife's family, she is the oldest of three children. Add to this that her mother is an only child, and her mother's mother resides in the same house as her mom. Needless to say, the expectation is for my wife, Sarah, to be the first between her and her sister to "give this family a grandchild." I wish I could describe my wife's face when we hear this declaration from our family. The only way to describe it is to say "Not only 'no,' but '_fill in your own word__ no.'"

My family is a little different. There are six kids in my family and my brother and his wife, along with my step-sister have taken the burden off of me and my wife to have kids. (For which I am truly grateful) There are babies all over the place in my family, so luckily there is no pressure there. At least none that we can note at this time.

This expectation only gets worse when our high school and college friends are "going for the end zone on 1st down from their own 20 after the opening kick" and we scream from the sidelines to call an audible! "There's a whole for quarters left to go for the win! Run the ball!"

Everyone keeps saying "You say you don't want kids right now, but eventually you'll change your mind."........First off, sure, I'll take your word for it. We might just decide to change our mind somewhere down the road. And secondly, I think we will decide when that will happen.

But until then, we've starting compiling a list. This list began it's compilation early on in our marriage and has continued to grow to a point where now we must share it with the world. A blog seemed like a good place to distill this information and to offer hope and laughter to both sides of the camp. The premise is simple: List the reasons why we don't want to have kids. I would let you into my head and tell you a few of the items, but that would ruin the fun for the rest of the blog. So, I hope you enjoy this as much as I will. And one day I hope to find a publisher. I'm being facetious, but seriously...that would be awesome.